The title of this post is my current weight. I can not believe I have let my body get to this point. For me, being only 5 feet tall, 148 lbs is a large number. I think the last time I was this heavy, I was 7 months pregnant. That is depressing, in and of itself. So over and over, I recommit to getting in shape, only to fail miserably. I lose a few pounds and then gain back even more. I know this happens to so many people that try to lose weight. So I have been thinking a lot lately about why I am in this cycle, and how I can break free of it.
I have struggled with depression since I was a young teenager. At least, I'm pretty sure that's when it all started. I didn't actually start treatment and medication until I was nineteen. Since then, I have been on and off different anti-depressants. I wasn't on any medication when I was pregnant with my last baby. But soon after her birth, I realized that an episode of postpartum depression was flaring up. At first, my doctor prescribed a medicine that was safe for breastfeeding. When that didn't make me feel better, I stopped breastfeeding and started a different medicine. I was basically on that one for the last year and a half. It seemed to work fine at first. I was getting along pretty well and functioning for the most part. But over the last few months, I noticed a decrease in my motivation and energy. I was irritable with my kids and needed a nap every day just to get by. I was hiding out in my house all day and avoiding social interaction. The only thing I looked forward to each day was eating. I was slipping back into a dark place that almost had me fooled into thinking was normal. I was getting to the point where I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel like. I started to question if I had ever felt "normal"? But I knew that however I was feeling, it wasn't healthy. Something was very wrong.
So I took a hard look at the way I was feeling. And I read some information about my medication that had me wondering if it was partially responsible. Could it actually be making me feel worse? My doctor confirmed that, in fact, this particular anti-depressant was documented to sometimes cause tiredness, weight gain, and other unpleasant side effects. He suggested a newer anti-depressant that is said to have none of those side effects, and help manage the depression even better. So I said, sign me up! He also said I could switch directly over to the new medicine without weaning myself off the other first. This was great news. I took my first pill about six mornings ago. I felt the difference almost immediately. My head started to clear and I didn't feel so tired and distracted. I even had the energy to do a really hard yoga routine on Friday. I feel better mentally, but now I am having strange physical symptoms, which I believe is a withdrawal from my previous medication. I have been feeling lightheaded, dizzy, and nauseated for several days. It looks like I will have to wait until the other medicine clears out of my system before I can really get a sense of how I am feeling. Then I should be on the road to recovery and weight loss.
I am hopeful for this new year. I really believe that once my withdrawal symptoms pass, I will be feeling so much better on the new medication. So I am setting a long term goal now to lose 38 lbs this year. I am aiming to be at my goal weight of 110 lbs for my birthday on September 5th. That's almost nine months of exercising and keeping a journal of all the food I put in my mouth. I know it will be SO hard, but SO worth it. I am picturing myself wearing my size 6 jeans this fall, and bursting with joy! Here's hoping I can kick the cravings and stick to a good exercise routine this year! I refuse to let depression define my life for another day!
