I seriously need to lose 20 lbs by June...

Ok, here I go again. I've been going to Curves, but it doesn't seem to be enough. At least not when I only go 2-3 times a week. I really need to be doing Pilates at home on my off-days. AND...I need to curb my excessive eating! Because, at this point, I am barely maintaining my weight, and think I'm actually gaining. True, some of it could be muscle. Curves is helping me get stronger. But, I got on my own scale a couple days ago and was shocked to see that I had gained an additional 6 lbs since I started this blog several months ago. From 131 to about 137. I have never weighed that much in my life, except for when I was about 6 months pregnant. So frustrating! It really comes down to what I've been eating and what I haven't been doing as far as exercise.

But now I've got a little motivation, and a goal in mind. My mom is graduating from college with her Associates degree in June, and I plan on flying out there to be with her, my dad, and my sister for a couple of days. I can't imagine showing up looking like I do right now. Not to mention I have no clothes that fit me. I CAN NOT buy new clothes again...

So how do I do this? How do I lose 20 lbs by June? That's 5 months: losing 4 lbs per month, 1 lb per week. I've done it twice before, so I know that it's possible.

My biggest obstacle is food. I am unsure of how to proceed. When I first started this weight loss blog, I went a little too gung ho and actually started to resent the diet because I felt deprived of something I enjoy: eating yummy things. So I ended up blowing it completely and my little diet backfired. I lost 2 pounds initially and then gained back 5.

I've discovered that there is a switch inside my head that turns on and off when I'm hungry or full. When I'm hungry, the switch turns on and sends me into a different state of mind. I can actually feel the shift. First, I start feeling a sense of urgency to consume large quantities of food. I almost feel panicky, like there won't be enough food. I put way too much on my plate, thinking I need to eat that much. Then I eat fast, and I eat a lot, most of the time getting seconds. I'm not sure where this starvation mentality came from. Genetics? My cave man ancestors? Then, when I'm full, the switch turns off and I'm normal me again. But it's too late at that point. I've already eaten too much and I feel sick. I am disgusted by food until I get hungry again and the switch turns back on. Does any of this sound familiar to anyone else? I can't seem to stop the cycle. I don't know how to rationally think about the food I am eating at the moment I am eating it. Because when that switch is turned on, not only do I make really bad decisions about how much to eat, but also what I eat.

I've always had a theory that if I didn't have to make the eating decisions in my life, that I would be better off. That is, if I had a private dietitian/chef who cooked for me every day and gave me the correct quantity and quality of food at each meal... I know, I know...it's not going to happen. So unfortunately, I'm all I've got. Somehow, I have to make this work.